✎ Written by: Emma Loker
✓ Fact-checked by: Kaija Sander, Ph.D.
No one expects their loved one to die, and no one can predict what it will be like to walk through the world without that person by your side. Yet, every year, over 3.2 million people die in the US, each leaving behind close family and friends mourning their loss.
This grief often has a profound impact on us, altering our lives in ways we never anticipated. It may leave us feeling constantly homesick but never able to return home. Sometimes, we might feel unbearable pain and loneliness, while at other times, we may feel a raging anger that our loved one left us behind. And in some moments, we may feel nothing at all.
But we don’t only feel these intense and varied emotions in the heart; they are deeply rooted in the brain. By exploring the neurological underpinnings of these emotions, we may better understand grief itself, shedding light on why we feel this way and how we can begin to heal.
In this article, we’ll delve into the relationship between grief and the brain and explore:
What Is Grief?
Grief is the intense emotional response we experience after any significant loss, including the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, or other major life changes. It typically involves difficult feelings, including distress, yearning, confusion, separation anxiety, a fixation on the past, and apprehension about the future.
However, we all grieve in different ways, and our grief often differs depending on the nature of the bereavement. The main types of grief reactions are:
Anticipatory grief: It occurs when we know a death is coming, such as when a loved one has a terminal illness. We can also experience anticipatory grief if we know we are dying. This type of grief reaction is just as real and valid as the grief we experience after a loss, but it starts before the person has died.
“Normal” or Common Grief: A “normal” grief reaction starts with distress, which is usually shown through a mixture of difficult emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, shock, denial, blame, and numbness. These emotions are often followed by a gradual shift towards accepting the loss and continuing with daily activities (even though they may still be difficult) as time passes. The time it takes to be able to function almost-normally after grief differs for everyone. However, if it extends beyond 12 months, it’s usually considered complicated grief.
Complicated grief: Also known as chronic grief or prolonged grief disorder, complicated grief affects around 10% of grieving people. It occurs when the natural grieving process is halted or disrupted, causing the symptoms of grief to persist long past the expected timeframe. Those with complicated grief may struggle to return to normal functioning, still feeling an intense longing for the deceased many years after the death.
What Grief Does to Your Brain
Our emotional response to grief can be incredibly painful. However, the effect of grief doesn’t stop at our emotions. It also has a powerful impact on how our brain functions. Let’s explore two key ways grief affects our brains:
1.Higher Stress Levels
Grief is often incredibly stressful. While we may expect stress levels to increase directly after learning about bereavement, one study found higher cortisol levels (your body's main stress hormone) up to 10 days afterward.
Excess cortisol not only affects our physical health but also has a significant impact on our brain. High levels of stress hormones can lead to shrinkage of the hippocampus, a brain area that has a crucial role in learning and memory.
Furthermore, high stress hormone levels can also impair working memory, which may make concentrating more difficult, and amygdala overaction, potentially resulting in more anxiety and emotional regulation.
These effects can be especially harmful as we age, potentially increasing our risk of age-related cognitive disorders like Alzheimer’s disease.
2. Brain Adapts to a New Normal
According to the Gone-But-Also-Everlasting model of grieving, the brain adapts to grief by changing its understanding of the world.
For example, after you lose someone, the brain struggles with conflicting information: on the one hand, there’s the knowledge that the person is gone. But on the other hand, there are memories and feelings that make it seem like they’re still here. This conflict can cause confusion and intense emotions.
However, it’s possible that, over time, the brain treats grieving as a learning process - it needs time and real-life experiences to update its understanding of the lost person’s role in the world. As time progresses, the brain begins to get closure and accept that the person is gone.
Your Step-by-Step Guide on How to Cope With Grief
After a loss, it can feel like grief will never end, like you’ll be stuck in this sorrow forever. But as overwhelming as grief seems, remember that pain is temporary. With time, patience, and support, healing is possible.
1.Engage in Grief Therapy
Grief therapy can be a valuable tool when navigating the difficult emotions that the death of a loved one stirs up. Professional therapists trained in grief counseling can offer a safe space for you to share your feelings and process your grief at your own pace.
If you are still struggling to get into the swing of things after a loss from several years ago, prolonged grief disorder therapy (PGDT, also known as complicated grief therapy) may be the route for you. PGDT is a short-term therapy approach that was specifically designed for people struggling with complicated grief.
Evidence suggests that 16 weeks of complicated grief therapy significantly reduces grief symptoms.
2. Make Space for Grief
Grief takes time and can't be rushed. Allow yourself to grieve at your own pace and in your own way. It's okay to feel any emotion, whether it's anger, sadness, denial, shock, relief, or blame—they are all natural.
Try to accept your emotions, and don't feel pressured to move on quickly. Here are some ways to make space for your grief:
Put Your Thoughts on Paper: Journaling can be a powerful way to express your feelings. Write down your thoughts, memories, and emotions as they come - this can help you process them.
Don’t Force Yourself to be “Strong”: It’s important to let yourself be vulnerable. Allow yourself to cry, be angry, and show whatever emotion comes to the surface. Strength comes from facing your grief, not from suppressing it.
Take Long Walks: Physical activity, especially walking in nature, can give you time to process your thoughts and feelings.
Talk It Through: Talk your feelings through with someone you trust (more on this next) - it can help you make sense of your emotions and feel less alone.
Create Rituals: Try out different rituals to honor the loss of your loved one. It may be making a memory box, lighting a candle, or looking through photos. These can offer moments of connection and comfort.
Allow Yourself to Rest: Grief can often be exhausting. Make sure you get enough sleep and allow yourself downtime without feeling guilty.
3. Lean on Others for Support
One of our fundamental needs as humans is to feel connected to others, and this doesn’t stop when we’re grieving. Social support after a loss can improve our ability to cope and reduce feelings of loneliness.
Here are some ways you can lean on others for support:
Be Specific with the Help You Need
Your friends might not know how to support you because your grief is new to both you and them. Being specific about what you need can help guide them. Different friends may excel in different areas: one might be a good listener, while another could help with practical tasks. There are many ways friends can support you, and no request is too small.
Join Online Support Groups
Online support groups and communities can be incredibly helpful. Platforms like Reddit have dedicated communities, such as the GriefSupport subreddit, where you can share your experiences and receive support from others who are in similar situations. Hearing others talk about and remember the good things about their loved ones can be reassuring and help you feel less alone.
Go to In-Person Support Groups
Many local communities offer grief support groups where you can meet other people who have experienced a recent loss or bereavement. These groups can offer a safe space to share your grief with people who are in the same boat as you.
Final Word on Grief and the Brain
Grief often feels like an unending battle against difficult feelings. And while you may never completely get over the loss, you will learn to live with it. The love you have continues to live on in your heart, and you will find a way to move forward.
Remember, grief is a journey, and healing is a gradual process. By seeking professional help if necessary, allowing space for grief, and embracing the support of your loved ones, you can come to a place of healing and acceptance.
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About the author:
Emma is a practicing trainee Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist studying at the University of Cambridge and a psychology writer with years of experience. She achieved a 1st Class Honors Degree in Psychology from Aston University in Birmingham.
About the reviewer:
Kaija Sander is a cognitive neuroscientist and scientific consultant for Myndlift. She holds a BSc in Biomedical Science with a specialization in Neuroscience and Mental Health from Imperial College London and a PhD in Neuroscience from McGill University. Her doctoral research focused on brain connectivity relating to second language learning success. She is passionate about the broader applications of science to have a positive impact on people’s lives.
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