Some women with ADHD may feel that their neurodiversity poses issues and challenges other people don’t necessarily have to deal with, rendering their lives more complicated.

Some may hide behind various coping mechanisms, suppressing who they are deep down just to get on with their days.

And some may even think these ADHD-related challenges are character flaws or failures.

Enter… A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD: Embrace Neurodiversity, Live Boldly, and Break Through Barriers by ADHD experts Sari Solden, M.S., and Michelle Frank, PsyD.

As the authors say, “This book is about ADHD. But, the truth is, it’s not entirely or exclusively about ADHD. It’s about a great deal more. At its core, this guidebook is about helping you

become and value who you truly are – challenges and all.”

A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD is an inspiring workbook, one that aims to empower women with ADHD and help them live their lives from a place of confidence rather than shame.

Full of interesting journalling prompts and different ways to untangle one’s approach to ADHD, the book’s goal is to “make it easier to access more of who you truly are, not to get over who you are.”

Let’s have a look at some of the key points we’ve taken away from A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD.

1. A Quick Recap: ADHD and Gender

2. Understand Your Identity Triad

3. Confront Your Hiding

4. Expand Your Comfort Zone

5. Take Center Stage in the Story of Your Life

A Quick Recap: ADHD and Gender

According to Solden and Frank, ADHD is a brain-based condition that impacts cognition, emotion, and behavior, specifically in relation to what is commonly referred to as the “executive functions” of the brain.

For example, you might struggle to begin tasks, sustain focus, organize, prioritize, maintain routines, manage your time, or remember details.

Due to societal norms and gender-based expectations, many women with ADHD may, therefore, feel that they are “failing” to fulfill their roles as well-collected homemakers, mothers, wives, daughters, and more.

While the expectation to fit such traditional gender roles makes many neurotypical women’s lives difficult as well, adding ADHD to the equation creates its own unique challenges (for instance, you might struggle to keep a tidy house and let this issue impact your sense of self-worth).

In order to embrace our unique brain-based challenges, free ourselves of shame, and deconstruct our approach to gender-based roles and our place in the world, Solden and Frank guide us through a process of untangling who we are underneath all the stigma and confusion.

Understand Your Identity Triad

Solden and Frank say that ADHD tends to impact your sense of identity in these three areas:

• Your core sense of self: This is the essence of your authentic self, the truth of who you are as a complex being. ADHD is part of who you are, but it does not define the whole picture.

• Your feelings about your brain: This is the way you approach your unique brain wiring, and it’s where skills and strategies are most helpful when shame or unrealistic expectations are eradicated.

• Your relationship with the world: This is the behavior through which your beliefs about yourself manifest, impacting your relationships with others.

As the authors write, the identity triad can become tangled up, leading to a loop of shame that permeates all three aspects of your life.

Example:

Your ADHD brain makes it difficult for you to stay organized. Instead of being compassionate with yourself, you feel angry and judgmental, and soon, these negative feelings about your brain translate into negative feelings about who you are as a person (“I have a messy kitchen” turns into “I am a mess/ I am such a slob/ I am a bad person”).

These internal beliefs may influence how you let others treat you, how you speak to others, and how you engage with the world as a whole.

For instance, you might isolate from other people (“I won’t let anyone come into my house so

that they don’t see how messy I am”) or emotionally withdraw (“I have a messy desk, therefore I’m a bad a person, therefore I don’t deserve love, therefore I won’t open up to vulnerability in my relationships”).

Journalling Prompt: Describe Your Brain

On a piece of paper, try finishing this sentence:

My brain is…

Reflect upon how your perception of your ADHD brain affects your view of yourself and your behavior toward others.

Confront Your Hiding

Women with ADHD might decide to hide their challenges or their authentic sense of self from others for fear of being “found out” and facing the feared consequences of that, such as rejection, dismissal, or abandonment.

Here are some of the ways you may be holding back, according to the book:

• You often choose not to disclose your thoughts and opinions

• You feel like you have to apologize for everything

• You have trouble asking for what you need

• You pretend you don’t have ADHD challenges so that others don’t treat you differently

• You don’t take risks at work

• You don’t let people in and keep your relationships superficial

• You keep people out of your spaces (such as your office or your car)

• You don’t welcome opportunities that’d put you in the spotlight

• You don’t ask for help

• You turn down invitations to events

  
  

  If these apply, it’s a sign you might be letting your fear and shame guide your behavior. But as the authors say, “Hiding takes you out of your life.” The goal is to enter it fully and with confidence.

Journalling Prompt: The Price of Hiding

Ask yourself these questions:

• Have there been opportunities in your life you really wanted to grab onto but feared taking the leap because you were worried you couldn’t do it?

• What have you missed out on because you chose to retreat and hide?

• What situations would you have liked to share with others but were too scared to do so?

Expand Your Comfort Zone

“Women with ADHD are just as good and valuable as anyone else, though they often feel ‘less than’ and shrink back from life as a result,” the authors say.

There are many areas in which they advise you to expand and claim space, from your strengths or your relationships to your ability to ask for support.

Here are two ways to do that, as per the book:

• Identify the edge of your comfort zone: According to psychologist Daniel Goleman, it’s important to find one’s “optimal zone of performance” – a sweet spot where you’re challenged, yet not overwhelmed by too much stress – in order to perform at your best. Solden and Frank recommend that you take small steps to take up more room in your life and not shy away from uncomfortable feelings (but also protect yourself and retreat if you push yourself too far). For example, ask your partner to help you with organizing the kitchen cabinets instead of doing it alone. This small gesture, as well as your partner’s willingness to help you, may make you feel empowered and supported.

• Develop an internal locus of control: Solden and Frank cite research to show that people who have a greater internal locus of control (that is, they feel in control of their lives and don’t perceive experiences as something that simply happens to them) feel better about themselves, experience less anxiety, and are more effective at coping with adversity. However, our sense of internal control may easily change depending on our daily successes or failures (if you “fail” a lot, you’ll find it more difficult to feel in charge of your life), and since people with ADHD often struggle to begin or complete tasks, you may believe that no matter what you do, it won’t make a difference.

Solden and Frank suggest that you view every decision you make as an intentional choice and that you always try to “think in terms of the next and smallest step toward your goal,” making it easier to remain in charge of your actions.

Journalling Prompt: Move Toward the Edge

Challenge yourself to expand your comfort zone and do something that will make you slightly uncomfortable in the short run but will benefit you in the long term.

For example, you can ask for accommodations at work, ask your partner to learn more about ADHD, go to a support group, make that dreaded phone call, or make some time for yourself.

Ask yourself:

What step toward the edge are you ready to take this week?

Take Center Stage in the Story of Your Life

“Women with ADHD can struggle with verbal expression in various ways, which very directly creates a barrier to being seen, known, and heard,” the book says.

This can manifest as having difficulty holding the thread of a story, organizing your thoughts, remembering where you are in a conversation, or asking for what you need in a clear and assertive manner.

Solden and Frank propose three ways to stay in the spotlight of your life:

• Be less accommodating: Don’t push your needs away for the sake of other people’s comfort. In low-stakes situations, practice asserting your needs and wants – even if it creates slight discomfort on both sides. Allow yourself to be seen, ask for support, and try not to avoid conflict just to make things easier for everyone. Remember that short-term discomfort is part of expanding your comfort zone.

• Use your voice: Don’t use minimizers to soften the impact of your words. Instead of over-apologizing (“I’m so sorry to bother you…”), discrediting yourself (“This may be a stupid question, but…”), and diminishing your power (“I just think…”), take a moment to organize your thoughts and speak more clearly.

Examples:

1) “Actually, I’m not sure I agree here” –> “I don’t agree here”

2) “I’m sorry to take up your time” –> “Thank you for making the time today”

3) “Sorry to bother you” –> “I have something to discuss with you. Do you have a few minutes now or later in the day?”

• Dare to become more visible: Remember that it is not selfish to take up more room. As Solden and Frank say, “Shining is about valuing who we are and what we have to give. When we think of it this way, we can see that, contrary to our potential fears, it is selfish to deprive other people of who we are and what we think, know, or bring to the world.” Focus on what you have to offer as the unique and complex woman you are.

Journalling Prompt: What You Offer

Ask yourself and reflect upon:

• What is your desired impact on others?

• What are other people missing out on by not seeing and knowing you?

• With whom would you like to be more visible?

Conclusion

“Now that you have gone through the process of untangling, you are more prepared to assert a new vision for your life, a new narrative about yourself, and a commitment to leading a bold and amply supported life as a woman with ADHD,” write Solden and Frank.

And that is precisely where the value of A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD lies: in its goal to support, uplift, and empower women with ADHD in the areas where they so often need it most: self-acceptance and self-love.

To learn more about establishing new dreams for yourself, becoming aware of damaging gender-based messages that make women’s lives with ADHD more complicated, learning to embrace yourself as a whole, and connecting with your authentic sense of self through interesting journalling prompts and real-life stories, feel free to give A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD a try.

But as Solden and Frank say, it’s important to remember that effective ADHD management is highly personalized: “There is no right way to do ADHD. There is only your way.”

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